Chris Facts

Troy has taken it upon himself to make a written record of the most interesting facts about Chris from the first 25 episodes. Here they are for your pleasure, and for Chris's shame.

• Refuses to take part in arbitrary number system (Hellraiser)

• Loves Jeebus and everything he stands for (Lair of the White Worm)

• Has a large collection of gold doubloons and blunderbusses (People Under the Stairs)

• Has a blunderbuss surplus (People Under the Stairs)

• Wants to keep his period money safe with period weapons (People Under the Stairs)

• Michael Meyers calls him Jub-Jub (Halloween 1978)

• Was an extra in Milk Money (Halloween 1978)

• Would pay money to see a pony eat a dog (Halloween 1978)

• Has a recording label, Slaughterhouse Princess Records; doesn’t know how to make a record (Zombie)

• Every time Brett’s mouth opens, Chris gets more angry. (Drag Me to Hell)

• Last time his house got broken into, he spent a half-hour throwing Pert at the man (Videodrome)

• [Redacted] (Teeth)

• Doesn’t know if “priest” is a Catholic thing (The Exorcist)

• Doesn’t believe in gerunds (The Exorcist)

• Likes to look people in the eye when “he’s dropping the kids off”... (Human Centipede)

• Digital Letterbomb is his experimental hip-core band. Like Limp Bizkit but not stupid. (Human Centipede)

• On Chris’ wedding night, Chris’ dad said if you come across a dead girl covered in plastic, what you need to do is keep her to have sex with her (Deadgirl)

• Chris had his first kiss with a guy down at the Shell station (Deadgirl)

• Has a mouse named Frederick in his pocket, and you will address him as such  (We Are What We Are)

• Only has dreams about the Kool-Aid Man. Sexy dreams… (Popcorn)

• Chris only knows Joey and Mr. Belvedere from Friends (The Ring)

• His week was full of events which happened sequentially. (Ring vs. Ringu)

• Back when he was a boy, it was enough to rub your junk on a girl part through several layers of fabric in a barn while listening to hair metal. (Critters)

• Can’t listen to Queensryche without crying a little (Critters)

• Mistakes were made. Chris has no regrets. (When the Screaming Stops)

• Frankenpire Meets Abbott and Costello was his favorite Bela Lugosi role (Stalled)

• Is in your shrubberies rubbing himself down with Vap-O-Rub (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)