Slaughterhouse Princess

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Chris Facts

February 17, 2016

Troy has taken it upon himself to make a written record of the most interesting facts about Chris from the first 25 episodes. Here they are for your pleasure, and for Chris's shame.


  • Last time his house got broken into, he spent a half-hour throwing Pert at the man (Videodrome)

  • [Redacted] (Teeth)

  • Doesn’t know if “priest” is a Catholic thing (The Exorcist)

  • Doesn’t believe in gerunds (The Exorcist)

  • Likes to look people in the eye when “he’s dropping the kids off”... (Human Centipede)

  • Digital Letterbomb is his experimental hip-core band. Like Limp Bizkit but not stupid. (Human Centipede)

  • On Chris’ wedding night, Chris’ dad said if you come across a dead girl covered in plastic, what you need to do is keep her to have sex with her (Deadgirl)

  • Chris had his first kiss with a guy down at the Shell station (Deadgirl)

  • Has a mouse named Frederick in his pocket, and you will address him as such  (We Are What We Are)

  • Only has dreams about the Kool-Aid Man. Sexy dreams… (Popcorn)

  • Chris only knows Joey and Mr. Belvedere from Friends (The Ring)

  • His week was full of events which happened sequentially. (Ring vs. Ringu)

  • Back when he was a boy, it was enough to rub your junk on a girl part through several layers of fabric in a barn while listening to hair metal. (Critters)

  • Can’t listen to Queensryche without crying a little (Critters)

  • Mistakes were made. Chris has no regrets. (When the Screaming Stops)

  • Frankenpire Meets Abbott and Costello was his favorite Bela Lugosi role (Stalled)

  • Is in your shrubberies rubbing himself down with Vap-O-Rub (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)